Expect the Unexpected

i honestly don't know what's worse ... the dread or the anticipation of seeing him again.

the earlier part of this week was mostly spent agonizing over the how-to's and what-ifs and do-i's of presentation, image, and attitude. am i wearing too much make-up (or too little?), does this make me look cute (but hopefully not immature?), should i opt for conservative dress or sporty casual attire? what impression should i greet him with - prettily aloof? charmingly derisive? ruminative? .. gritty perhaps?

feeling such the tool (and the fool) ... i dropped all charades and moodily made my way through the pomp and circumstance only to find him rushing out to meet me ...

"you're late. i was afraid you weren't going to come or that you forgot. how are you doing?" (i was only but FIVE minutes late and he was worrying ...)

he beats me to the punch and my idea of appearing cool and unfettered goes flying out the window.

however i was expecting him to react gets displaced and usurped by the raw edge of honesty ... or perhaps, fear overtakes pride and longing stifles the ego.

because whether we're willing to acknowledge or not, we all live in the shadow of the third.

the scary bit of it was that today, i really looked at him for the first time. not really looked, but peered (i'm in awe of my own daring because of course he knew i was peering, could not maybe should not have gone unnoticed) ... for whatever reason, i was searching for some kind of answer or validation of how i saw him in my mind. of how i see a lot of people in my mind ...

in childhood.

and the devastating result was that i found him exactly as i knew him. boy with a skinned knee. sometimes terrified. the momentary loneliness. the desire to be held and loved. emotions that as men, we would rarely if ever see.

so it came as a shock to him and to me when i brightly chirped that it would be a while before i saw him again ... at least two weeks. in plain speak, we both knew it was me forcing the issue, striking the distance ... my own fierce and maybe impetuous demand for rights to sovereignty.

because even now ...

sharing and inter-dependency is still oh-so overrated.

now how's that for anti-climactic?

ha! i'm currently obsessed with ps3 video games, psp puzzle games, patent leather crocodile shoes, and british vogue.

and if anyone else is in the mood for spicy, let's do as the british and say, "ring me up!"

Comments