Feeling Useless

my recent one-liner to nikki on a long-distance call to korea:

"i am utterly and completely useless."

sometimes i feel sorry for him, and me.

if i'm just a spark and that's it, then that's it. it's just how it is.

i can accept that only because i don't really see him and i as part of any continuum.

it's the catalysis that gets me. the magic. or the motivation.

but then we might have a shared moment between us. we may not necessarily say a lot to each other as we would exchange meaningful looks or intuitively act on each other's behalf. and in doing so, all of a sudden we've subtly become a distinct pair. made special in our almost dignified and united front of secret and shared emotions (the grandmother who accidentally witnessed our little private interlude wistfully said to us that we looked very much like a couple in love - how wonderful it must be to be young again).

and through that mutual experience, things come to light and you are suddenly and inextricably, engaged.

it all makes me pretty glum. to the point where i don't want to see or talk to anyone save a few random conversations here and there or a dinner or two for the sole purpose of keeping myself grounded.

because even if i can't forget, it's a good time to focus, and move, and explore.

i just finished two cans of TAB energy drinks and it turns out, everything is illuminated after all.